hey.. I've practically abandoned this page for so long..

sometimes I wonder whether our whole life is a competition.. competing about grades, competing about who knows how to do more stuff.. competing about who's better in what sports, what musical instruments.. and even competing about who has more friends.. you tell me it's not about competition.. I know that.. how tiring is it if you have to COMPETE for time with friends.. but that's exactly how I feel right now..

I mean can't I get closer to anyone without having to see your jealousy complex exuding from every ounce of your being? must you always be the closet to EVERYONE.. so I can only be close to those that you find no need to be close with? everytime you get your eyes on someone, I've got to back out from even being close friends with that person.. so that I don't have to suffer those dagger looks and bad moods..

yes it's not about competing.. so when you start spending every waking minute with people I'm starting to get closer with, I'll just let it be.. but it just makes me wonder whether I've got to do this all the time.. he said since this is not about competition, I can still be close to them even though you're doing what you're doing.. but how do I do that if you're there all the time.. it all started when I realised the look you were giving me whenever you saw us playing around.. I don't understand.. I really don't..

I don't want to bitch.. but I feel sad when I look back and I realise all the close friendships I've lost because of this.. but yea well I know if I was meant to be close friends with those people, nobody (you or anybody else) would be able to change the fact so I should just not fret too much about such stuff which are beyond our control anyway.. yea that's what I tell others.. and that's probably what I should be believing in right now.. but I can't deny that I still do feel this tug at my heart everytime I look back all those people who are now all-so-distant..

but I know I've got my friends back home and my family.. these are friends who have stood the test of distance and time.. they'll be there no matter what disappointments I get here..

and this is always enough to bring that warmth back into my heart.. God's guardian angels who are not always visible but always around somewhere..